Self Love Struggle
My longest relationship was abusive. He had a big heart, light blue eyes, incredible bone structure, and a strong addiction to heroin - I guess it is not your average high-school-sweetheart story.
I wanted to save him. He was capable of being sweet and cuddly; he was capable of making me fear for my life. My health was threatened, my money was stolen, and my self-esteem lost. Toward the end of the relationship I was visiting him in jail and fighting on a disgustingly damp plastic phone through dirty glass. I was 17… straight A student… overly empathetic and overweight. I think I finally got the courage to cut it off after my 3rd Sunday visit to the Callaway County Jail - I could no longer lie to my mom about driving to Fulton every Sunday (I am a TERRIBLE liar - I simply can’t do it.)
My ex has been in and out of prison and rehab facilities since then. He now has a beautiful family and the same charming smile. A few more jail tats... okay, like, 20 more... but still attractive with good intentions. I wish him nothing but the best. His family deserves to see him doing well more than anything and his daughters need a father.
The point of this throwback is something I realized today:
Yes, I have been mentally, sometimes physically, abused in my past. But, no one brings me down like myself. At least he liked me when I was naked… I've always hated myself naked. I hate my arms - I haven’t worn them uncovered in public for at least two years. I hate my thighs that chafe and my chins that show in every single supposed-to-be-cute-candid photo. I’ve called myself a "fat piece of shit" on multiple occasions before I step into the shower… even he wouldn’t call me that.
My mom and my girls think I am too hard on myself... which has always been true. But, I figured if I’m not hard on myself who will be? I am obviously not motivated to change by these people who “love me no matter what.”
Loving myself has never been an option….since about 8 years old. The thought of “loving myself” gives me an aching feeling in my chest - it almost makes me nauseous. I have never loved my body. I have never even been okay with how I look for as long as I can remember. I think that will be the biggest challenge in all of this. Loving my body seems like such an unreachable goal. The entire concept is alien to me and therefore it’s intimidating. SO MANY PEOPLE tell me I need to “get over it” ASAP. That I should somehow immediately turn off this self hate that I’ve had for 17 years. That I should just wake up tomorrow and adore my reflection.
From a young age we are taught modesty and manners. We are taught tales of Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster. We are taught what clothing is most slimming on our body type and what haircut is best for our face shape. We are taught about THE SURFACE OF MARS AND HOW TO MEASURE THE SCOPE OF ANY STRAIGHT LINE. BUT we are not taught about self-love. We are not taught to call our body’s beautiful. We’ve believed in things like the tooth fairy so strongly but never that we are “worth it.”
I found a quote over a week ago - My instant impulse was to make it into a painting, but I’m trying to refrain from going too cheesy-quote, TSM-girl crazy.
"Don’t do it because you hate yourself… Do it because you love yourself."
Guess it’s time to learn me a thing or two.
